It all starts with bids for connection.

Bids are verbal or nonverbal gestures between partners that signal a need for connection. They can be big or small, spoken or unspoken, obvious or subtle. A bid might look like:

• “Look at this meme I found.”
• “Can you help me with this?”
• A deep sigh while cooking dinner
• Reaching for a hand during a stressful moment
• A quiet “how was your day?”

Each bid is a way of asking: Do I matter to you? Are you here with me?

The Three Ways to Respond to a Bid

There are three primary ways partners respond to bids for connection:

1. Turning toward: Acknowledging the bid with presence, interest, or care
2. Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid altogether
3. Turning against: Responding with irritation, criticism, or dismissal

Turning toward your partner builds trust and connection. Turning away or turning against, especially when it becomes a pattern, chips away at the foundation of your relationship.

It doesn’t take grand gestures. What matters most is the everyday habit of noticing and responding to each other in small, meaningful ways.

So What Does “Turning Toward” Actually Look Like?

Here are some real-life, simple examples of turning toward:

• Make many small bids of your own every day
• Watch for your partner’s verbal and nonverbal bids
• Verbally acknowledge when your partner looks stressed
• Make eye contact when they ask a question and engage when they bring up a random topic of conversation
• Compliment your partner
• Offer small gestures of support, like a refill of their coffee or a shared blanket on the couch
• Kiss hello and goodbye (a six-second kiss is ideal and has romantic potential — it’s proven!)
• Send a “thinking of you” text during the day
• Respond to their meme with more than just a double-tap

None of these take more than a few seconds, but they sure do add up.

Don’t Forget: Make Your Own Bids, Too

Turning toward your partner matters, but so does putting your own bids out there. Don’t assume your partner can read your mind. Make small attempts to connect, even when it feels a little vulnerable.

A few places to start:

• Ask them to go on a walk with you
• Share something that made you laugh
• Reach out for a hug
• Say, “I miss spending time with you”
• Invite them to help with a task not because you need it done, but because it gives you a moment together

Small bids every day are what build up your emotional connection — and your emotional bank account.

But What If You’re Just Tired?

Okay, let’s get real. We know it’s easy to say, “just turn toward your partner,” So what happens when your emotional bank account is empty and you just don’t have the capacity to do this all the time? What if you’re burned out, touched out, stressed out… and you just don’t have the capacity to keep showing up this way?

Here’s the thing: when you build up enough positive interactions with your partner, your emotional bank account stays full. Your relationship will be able to weather the difficult times better, and it will keep you on track for maintaining a healthy, happy life together.

Dr. Gottman puts it like this:

“Nobody has the emotional stamina to turn towards other people’s needs twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Realizing the limits of our time and attention, if you face a time when turning towards one another is impossible, the goodwill you’ve accumulated will be enough to see you through to better times.” – Dr. John Gottman

In other words: you don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to keep making the effort.

Connection is built in small moments

The more you practice turning toward your partner’s bids (and making your own) the stronger your relationship becomes. Not every interaction will be a breakthrough. But over time, those tiny choices add up to something big.

When you make a point to really listen and focus on your partner, it can do wonders for your connection. But it’s okay if you just can’t do it all the time. Try your best and your relationship will thank you!